My Problem of Intelligence

NOT a ramble regarding my stupidity, though many would agree one is due — especially after reading this…

It isn’t uncommon to have trouble reconciling the effects of our various desires; they are often found to be at odds with one another. I want something, and acquiring it will grant me such-and-such result, and I want another thing as well, which, if satisfied, will have so-and-so result. Even within the set of cases in which both desires are rationally permitted to coexist, the such-and-such result mischeviously creates some unease against the second desire, or the so-and-so against the first.

If I am to take a man (a loOover, oOooohh), I desire that he be not only intelligent but, I admit, that he be notably intelligent. A person who inspires me to pursue the same, someone I don’t need to really squint at to learn something. Someone who is wise like this man I met, Lukas Vargas, and articulate as I had once seen in J Sai Deepak. Someone who reminds me of the things I like and value, simply by being as they are.

However, the collection of these traits often implies (though, in theory it need not imply) that his ego will be to a considerable extent entwined with his intelligence. I understand that’s something I’m signing myself up for, and it is a quality I perhaps share (though, I actively try to keep this in check).

My desire is, at first glance, compatible with and related to my desire for the cultivation and maintainence of my own notable intelligence.

But given the circumstances of a heterosexual partnership , the societal backdrop we find ourselves against, and some specific personal visions for a family life (prime among them, remaining at home to raise children), these desires when realized may produce some tension. (Mind you, I am not alluding to any fear of my partner’s emasculation, or competitiveness between us.) Simply, with time, the opportunities for the display and recognition of intelligence are prone to grow uneven between me and my beau.

This is also bound to be amplified by the inherent tendency to create balance. The more committed to notable intelligence he is (consistent with my desire), the more serious, expressive, focused and technical he is, the greater the extent to which I am moved to balance it (which, if consistent over a span of time, conflicts with my desire for my image). The lighter I will become, the more playful, the most responsive as opposed to productive, and the more constantly restrained (so as to not become integrated and lost solely in my partner’s interests and analyses, but remain steadfast and dynamic in my own thinking, and even retain independence in our shared interests) to establish and retain my own gravity in quiet.

And, as a related note, it is well-known that expression and resulting external affirmation have non-negligible positive impact on the growth of any human attribute.

Plain and simple, I have noticed that mothers who choose to focus on child rearing have significantly fewer opportunities to express intelligence such that it is recognized, and this is exacerbated by a father who wears his brain on his sleeve. It is particularly exacerbated by a father whose ego demands the recognition of his intelligence, is greedy for it and delighted by it, a father who seeks after this affirmation and enjoys it too blindly to understand that the mother’s circumstance requires an active effort on his part.

The mother who values her notable intelligence is left to confusion, to feel her ego wounded gradually and incessantly, her intelligence collecting dust. She is prone to initially compensate desperately and sloppily, and suffer the resulting errors, and struggle to reconcile her image which has altogether changed.

Yet she is determined to not become venomous, to speak warmly, to raise children with conviction and confidence, to not humor her evil desire for recognition and intellectual importance, and simply to ground her self-image in something else. If she is strong, she’ll generate validation for herself, quietly, or become stubborn and blind in pursuit of intellectual growth before realizing time must not be spent that way, and she will nevertheless progress downhill with respect to intellectual nourishment. Largely, she will lose. She will adjust. Either she will dissolve herself or she will develop a shadow within her.

Some would argue her intellectual persona is one that ought to dissolve.

There are two ways to avoid this. (1) Solitude. (2) Cultivation by those around her. Solitude, almost impossible to come by for a mother. Cultivation, hardly anyone is wise enough.

If only men had the wisdom of encouragement, if only they knew the art, if only intelligent men could press pause for a moment and learn to support others proactively rather than reactively. They seldom do.

This is not to say that balanced households, with free-flowing intellectual expression from both partners, are all that rare or even close to impossible. Balanced intellectual gravity in partnerships is, in fact, quite common.

But it seems, from what I have observed, that the smarter the couple, the greater the relevance of intellect to self-image, the greater the risk of imbalance in the expression and recognition that each person is afforded. I may not fully understand the mechanics of that, but it is a recurring phenomenon, and one have seen initial reflections of in myself many years ago.

Sexual relations are no help, either. I won’t say much on this, but the mechanics of sex are understood by some scholars on gender to be foundationally related to the common pattern of women not asserting themselves as much in public when around their male spouses. There is a remnant tendency to give way and be impacted rather than assert and impact, which struggles to transition from intimate settings to group settings. (I go back and forth on this).

That is, of course, not all bad. It helps explain certain beauties in the nature of female gatherings. But it is also an important factor (and challenge) to consider in this context.

None of this is to say that I wish to avoid the whole situation — marriage. If I were to be blessed with a partner with the sort of intellect I admire and adore, then I would wait patiently for him to be awakened and sympathetic to the (varying) intellectual needs of mothers, and of myself as a mother.

Alternatively, awakened or not, we may be able to reach a mutual understanding and agreement such that we coordinate to each enjoy some time for intellectual stimulation, and manage division of labor so both of us can nourish ourselves intellectually (and as an aside, have time for physical exercise as well).

And if he does not agree to such coordination, or if he agrees in theory but fails to practice it, then the challenge would by default fall into my lap, accepted.

I would take it upon myself to first overcome any building bitterness, catch my insecurities quick before they run with the reins of my mind, force myself to remember and regain humility, and know that clarity and logic are key.

In a clear mind, intellect will preside. And cheesy as it is, love is a most durable broom.

If I can welcome intellect to hold the reigns of my ego , mind and senses every morning, it will shine as the Sun does over its seven horses, won’t it?

I will read, and I will try very, very hard to find new friends with whom I can discuss. And I may seek altogether new environments, academic spaces, etc. and never forget that these are always a possibiilty.

Importantly, I will not hold my partner accountable for my hurt, because he can only be himself, what else? I must and will be sweet to him. And secondly, I will try to be honest and open about how I feel, but that will depend on the weather.